Saturday, October 3, 2009

Cruel Intentions, Salsa edition

Guten Tag Kinder!
Wie gehts? My grindr exploits have been getting quite a reaction. I was ready to walk the straight and narrow, but for you loyal reader, I will persevere. Wading through the lewd and lascivious cesspool that is known as Grindr to deliver to you more grim cautionary tales. Today's blog however deals with a more degrading, humiliating, dehumanizing experience than the most most vile BDSM, role-playing, exploitive p'n'p scene you would ever find on Grindr. Yes dear reader, I will finally break the silence about my dabbling in the ultimate taboo.... same-sex couples Salsa.

The seed was planted over a year ago. Im my quest to milk life for all it's worth on a budget, I found a free same-sex couples dance class. I made plans to go with a friend who is even crazier than me (more on him later). We had a bit of a falling out so that idea got pushed to the back burner. Cut to a couple of weeks ago when my friend Linda (a man who I also refer to as my daughter sometimes) and I were brain-storming for activities for her to write about on her blog. I scrolled through my bookmarks and there it was . We went to the website to see if they still offered it. They did indeed and the next class was only a little more than a week away. We marked our calendars and made it a date. Apparently neither one of us ever look at our calendars because a few days ago Linda called asking for suggestions for an activity that night.
"I don't know. that dance class?"
Half joking and not really having any idea when it was happening. She checked and it was that night. I have to say I was feeling especially blech that day. My SAD was acting up and even though I had had about 8 hours of sleep I told Linda I needed a nap. So hours later Linda comes to collect me. I put on a pot of coffee and try my best to shake the grumpy ole curmudgeon schtick. It's not the look for gay salsa!
After chugging way too much coffee and getting an optimistic pep talk from Linda(?), we head to the Stepping Out Studio. Upon arrival we're asked to sign in and wait over by what I can only describe as a cheap Moroccan theme snack bar. What I had imagined to be overrun with prissy, goody-two-shoes queens that lived in HK, was actually filled with a disproportionate amount of middle-aged Asian ladies. I whisper to Linda out of the corner of my mouth, "They're everywhere".

Linda and I watch a class through the glass while waiting to be collected. It's all middle-aged Asian straight couples. That class clears out and people start to file in the room. A drunk Clark Kent look-alike, a little person in cha-cha man heels, a waspy lez, and ... you guessed it, a gaggle of Asian ladies. At first they're just sort of milling about but as the time for our class approaches they're practicing steps, swirling around, basically putting on their game faces. I tell Linda, "That can't be our class. They know what they're doing." Five minutes after our class was supposed to start, the receptionist walks over and says, "Zat eez your class, I do not know why he deedn't gate you." I shoot Linda an "OH HELL NO!" look and she bravely feigns oblivion to it and grabs my hand to lead my into the room.

I had already resolved to fade into the background. We make a beeline for the furthermost corner from the instructor, a sassy little gay latin with a sadistic streak I would soon discover. We had made it halfway to the back before he stops the class, looking mildly annoyed (which is nervy because it's his fault we weren't in there before it started) to call us out.
"Oh we have some BEGINNER beginners! Come up next to me so you can watch the steps!"
I'm giving Linda the "I'm about to bolt" look and she's acting as a human blockade to the door, herding me front and center. Somehow I'm right next to Rico Suave and Linda lands behind me. I am far from a shrinking violet but when the situation is out of my control I freak out. I can feel my face getting hot. My stomach is churning and I feel a disconnect with my body.

"Ok! Here we go. From the top. One, two, three... five, six, seven...
"No no no! It's one *TWO* three.. 5,6,7"
What the hell! It's exactly like when Lisa is taking tap lessons on the Simpsons, just replace "tappa tappa tappa" with "one two three". After a lightening round of the basic steps, he says, "Partner up"
Phew! this is what I came for, to be silly and dance with Linda. Us muddling through this together is finally going to take the pressure off of me. I turn to Linda, too drained to even give her any more scowls. She leads. Music starts. And from the top...

"One, two, three... Five, Sss...NO NO NO. You had it before so I know you know how to do it!"
I'm getting berated in front of the whole class. It took me so off guard. I wanted to just disappear so badly!
"Come here!" he says. Leaving Linda sans partner I walk to him and he grabs me. I want to punch him. To be embarrassingly honest I could almost feel tears welling up. He guides me through the steps and turns into Mr. Nice Guy.
"That's it. You're doing great. You're doing extremely well for someone's first time. Ok stop looking at your feet. Look at me."

EW! It was so creepy. Like the abusive spouse that brings flowers saying, "I don't want to hurt you but you drive me to it sweetie." the whole experience was clouded with this humiliation that manifested itself through heat and sweat on my body which caused more humiliation and the spiral kept going until I was just a big raw vibrating nerve. I tried to play it cool but it was traumatizing. So just to really drive it home, we had to switch partners until I had danced with everyone there.

I'm still recovering...