Ode to Grindr

Buena mañana mis hermanos y hermanas!!!

For my third installment I've switched my settings to (dim lights, cue slap bass groove) bow chica bow wow... ADULT CONTENT!!! get ready to have those retinas scorched and keep a puke bucket handy.

So anyone that knows me, knows that I am OBSESSED with Grindr. Just in case you've been living under a rock, grindr is an "social networking for men only" app on an iPhone that has GPS. so not only can you check someone's stats, pics and chat them up, but you also can determine if he's worth walking 2298 ft to meet in person. it's just too much fucking fun! you can be sure if there is a lull in our conversation the iPhone comes out and I'm scoping out the fags in the vicinity. It annoys people sometimes but when I let them play for a minute, all is forgiven. Aaron says my life can divided into 2 distinct parts, BG before grindr and AG, I think you can figure that out. I think Aaron is a petty jealous faggot who is mad because his company won't get him an iPhone but I digress.

I know it seems like internet hook ups are the standard way to meet people but I was really late to board this train. I checked out craigslist, had connexion and manhunt accounts but never really met anyone. I had a morbid fear of meeting someone in real life and them rejecting me. My New Year's resolution for 09 was to have an internet hook up. I attempted it but it just seemed to never work out. I guess I'm just old fashioned. I prefer to stumble home with someone at 4am from a bar and wake up not knowing where I am and who I'm with. "excuse me, uh... sir. what train station are we close to? ok and we're in which borough? oh and did you see what I did with my shoes?" I've left without my shoes before and in the rain. that's a whole other story.

Enter grindr! my saving grace. only people with iPhones have it so I knew as long as I was the only one of my close friends with an iPhone I was safe from their judgment and mockery, they're so rotted that way. Haha, that's actually so not true but I always was afraid of getting spooked anyway. With this little app I just may break my phobia. Honey it broke it alright and opened the floodgates.

I really wish I had kept a log of all the adventures I've had. One thing I'm loving, that is probably just because of my address, is the amazing apartments I'm getting to visit. Doormen, roof gardens, terraces, POOLS! These are some wealthy gentlemen. My first time going to someone's apartment was at a very prestigious, famous building. I felt so trashy as I chained my bike outside peering into the posh lobby. I was moist with sweat, a little winded and dressed like I was going to the gym. I went to the doorman to be announced. I felt like he knew exactly what was going on. he probably did but couldn't care less. I pressed the button for the elevator and waited. As I the door opened and I entered, a perky (is there anything worse) woman chirps "hold the door!". that's usually my cue to hit 'door close' and throw my hands up and act like I don't understand how this crazy thing works. Little Katie Couric however was fast enough to catch it. UGH! I couldn't look her in the eye as she talked about the weather or something equally inane.

the door opens to the floor on which I'm going. I start what will soon become a familiar ritual of looking for the apt #. there it is a cracked door with no light coming from inside. I'm so nervous I want to puke. A million scenarios run thru my mind. He's behind the door with a chloroform soaked rag. He's wearing a diaper. He has no teeth. And perhaps worst of all he has a bunch of cats. I take a deep breath and walk to the door.

So a silver fox opens the door. early 40s, fit. I can tell it's a huge nice apartment but all the lights are out. "trying to keep the ConEd bill down?" Humor and clandestine lewd encounters don't usually mix I soon find out. After a probably overzealous, overcompensating romp. we laid in post-coitus comfort. I was quick to look for my clothes. Being the southern belle I am I didn't want to overstay my welcome. He assured me I was welcome to stay as long as I wanted. With the sex out of the way we started to talk. I found out that he was just out of a relationship and this was pretty new to him too. We laughed at the fronts we both put up because we thought each other expected it. He was a magazine editor that you would've heard of. I'll spill it all in my memoirs. we still have a friendly relationship but they haven't all been so smooth...

to be continued.